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Thu, Jan. 5th, 2012, 05:03 pm


im feeling really lost today! last week brandon told me that he might not ever want to get married again and after staying the night somewhere else with not a lot of contact he told me that he was just freaking out and kind of like i expected it was because he is afraid that things will end up just like they did wit jacquelyn in a failed marriage... then friday we were supposed to go out with his friend andrew and while i was getting ready i heard andrew say that it had been weeks since he had gone out which set off a red flag because teh weekend before brandon told me that he had gone out with andrew and he was gone until 6 in the morning because he was sobering up so when i said i thought u went out last weekend andrew was like nope that wasnt me but after i walked outta the room he was

Thu, Apr. 8th, 2010, 10:43 am
crazy times

I can't believe the last time i write in this was almost 5 years ago! My how the times have changed but i used to use this journal as a venting tool and i think im in need of that again... I have been more than happy with brandon for almost a year now and have been comfortably over justin for over 2 years:) but it is pat and nick that for some reason i can't let go of. Nick mainly because i feel like i never let him have a shot because of the way things started with brandon and pat because i know that if 1 thing had never happened to him then we would be together right now ... i just read back on all of my entries from when we were our volatile young naive selfs and it is crazy that even after 3 years we went right back into things but actually approached it like adults! but just as i should probably realize things were ment to they exploded and everything we had planned turned into you telling me (at the bar) that if it could have been me it would have! but it wasn't and the sad thing is to this day i still wonder what it would be like if i was the one who had your child? i am in no way going to attempt to sum 5 years into one entry .... i am just enjoying the release of putting things into words. I am going to spend the rest of my life with brandon i know that... and please don't confuse this entry as me saying that i would rather be with anyone other than him it is just merely thoughts that i have from time to time, I had heard in the past sometimes you just know and i have applied it to my life 2 times, and brandon being one of them, but just because i knew and i mean knew right away that i never wanted to be without him that does not mean that there are not going to be little what ifs in the back of my head from time to time i am only human and as is human nature we like to pretend that we do not fear the future but contradict that by constantly reliving the past to play out different tales. Men have come and gone in my life some forever RIP Joel and some by choice (you are an amazing guy Nick and deserve the best) but i take pride in knowing that i have continued to grow and find myself im only 25 and have a lot of growing left to do but i am excited find out what the future holds for me.... past entriesh ave expressed a dark side of my life that i no longer find myself struggling with... drama will never be gone and will always rear its ugly head but as long as i turn my back to it then there is no blocking what can be seen ahead of me

Wed, Oct. 26th, 2005, 09:08 am
Good One

"Life is not like a box of chocolates,it's like a jar of jalepenos... what you do today might burn your ass tomorrow!"

Wed, Oct. 26th, 2005, 12:06 am
Yay!

Finally got my car today and I love it. went to steph's right after...me her and alison hung out. And that's all I have for ya...oh yeah steph and i decided what we are gonna be for halloween....... hula girls! cute huh ...now we just have to get our plans for the weekend straight and everything will be tight!

Tue, Oct. 25th, 2005, 09:42 am
NEW CAR!

hopefully getting my new car today! hopefully that is.....then going to Steph's of course!

Mon, Oct. 24th, 2005, 12:26 am
Almost There...

31 DAYS TIL MY BIRTHDAY!!! I WILL BE 21!!! YAY!!!

Sat, Oct. 22nd, 2005, 12:44 am
Good Day!

So I got a job today finally...yay! and i work with alison so it should be fun! And i also found a car. We put a down payment on it and we just want to have someone check it out and then the inpala is mine! and i went to a movie with jordan tonight. Good times i am so glad that he called! jenni called too but it was kind of late to head out to where she was but hopefully i can hang out with her again sometime soon so all in all i had a really good day and i am so happy about it!

Thu, Oct. 20th, 2005, 04:16 am
Too Many Thoughts!

Can't sleep tonight! I found the letter that I wrote my dad the night before he died! It's strange in the letter I wrote that he needed to just let go I told him I loved him and that he was strong but that he just needed to let go. I know I wasn't ready to let go but the hardest thing is reading that and realizing I'm still not ready to let go. I've realized that the reason why I am the way I am with guys is because I expect to get hurt! And why shouldn't when the only man who shouldn't have hurt me, hurt me the worst. When I was saying goodbye to him in the hospital I told him it was ok to go, and that I would be ok, but I lied. I don't blame him. It was just his time. But I am selfish. My biggest fault is that I let people in so easily but at the same time I never hesitate to push them away. I know deep down I don't trust anyone, and what makes it worse is I go out of the way to make it seem I do. Ever since my dad died all I have cared about was finding someone to love me. And so far every guy has failed. Sure I am only 20 but still it seems everyone around me has found someone to love and who loves them back. Wow this is pathetic. I just thought I had found someone, as messed up and childish as our relationship seemed that's what made it fun. I have had strong feelings for other guys but for the first time I felt those feelings from him to me! Ok I am done for tonight. I can't write anymore too much in my head!

Mon, Oct. 17th, 2005, 11:49 pm
Another One About You!

I loved you, yes, but now I know that love can no longer be real. I could live in the ocean of denial and comfort myself by staying a float, but what was the point…it’s time to get out of the water, I’m sick of treading, wishing, waiting, hoping. My life is real, my life here is real, it’s time I realize the reality of it all.

If you wanted to be with me, we’d be together. If you loved me I’d know it. If I mattered to you you'd show it. You don't. I could continue pretending that your issues get in the way, or it is a nervous front, but what is the use in pretending. How can I live happily ever after in something that isn’t real.

I forgive you for breaking my heart. I forgive myself for blaming you. I forgive myself for thinking it was something it wasn’t. I forgive myself for using you as a blanket for my own fears. I forgive myself for loosing my pride and dignity to the hope that it may work out, and I forgive myself for telling me it would. I forgive you for not wanting me. I forgive myself for believing you did. I forgive you for making love to me and not showing me affection. I forgive myself for convincing myself that it meant something.

Mon, Oct. 17th, 2005, 07:51 pm
Why Does This Describe The Situation So Perfectly?!!

Pretty girl is suffering,
While he confesses everything,
Pretty soon she'll figure out,
What his intentions were about,
And that's what you get for falling again,
You can never get him out of your head,
And that's what you get for falling again,
You can never get him out of your head,

It's the way that he makes you feel,
It's the way that he kisses you,
It's the way that he makes you fall in love,

She's beautiful as usual,
With bruises on her ego and,
Killer instinct tells her to,
Be aware of evil men,

And that's what you get for falling again,
You can never get him out of your head,
And that's what you get for falling again,
You can never get him out of your head,

It's the way that he makes you feel,
It's the way that he kisses you,
It's the way that he makes you fall in love,
It's the way that he makes you feel,
It's the way that he kisses you,
It's the way that he makes you fall in love

I hate that I can't get you out of my head! I know you don't feel the same way about me that you used too and I miss those days, the days when you would beg me to stay and not go home! The days when you would call me every couple of hours. The days when you would touch my face and smile while you kissed me. The days when if you were in a bad mood I was the one thing that could cheer you up. But those days are gone and I shouldn't let you continue to make me cry. The worst part is no matter how badly you hurt me I always come back for more. I let you say horrible things to me and then the moment you act like you want me back I come running. But no more, I may never get over you but I will not let you drag me down anymore

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